Fun Stuff > Computers
Computer Humor

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

PICNIC - Problem In Chair, Not In Computer (AKA: There's a screw loose somewhere between the computer and the chair)

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

Machines don't save you from doing more labor, they just save your employers from paying for more labor.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila. -- Mitch Ratcliffe

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.

If it aint broke, fix it till it is broken.

Arguing with an Electrical Engineer is liking wrestling with a pig in mud, after a while you realize the pig is enjoying it!

User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.

640K ought to be enough for anybody. -- often (mistakenly?) attributed to Bill Gates, around 1981

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... -- F. H. Wales, 1936

Elephant, n.: a mouse with an operating system.

DOS is, quite possibly, the worst text-adventure game ever. -- usenet sig

<------ The information went data way ------>

Buy a Pentium 4 1.5 GHz, so you can reboot faster.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

All computers wait at the same speed.

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.

--Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

--As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.


Programmers   ^top of page^

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

Programmer: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports on it, you know they are just evil lies. -- Linus Torvalds

UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things. -- Doug Gwyn

And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space, because that's exactly how much difference there is. -- Larry Wall

Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" (WYSIWYG) to be just as bad a concept in text editors as it is in women. No, the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be precise. -- Ed Post

I really never messed with or concerned myself with BSD before, honestly, but shit it's like talking to a Canadian, it's not all that hard. -- motherhead

Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Contrary to popular belief, you don't become a geek because you're smarter than everyone else. You become a geek because your social skills are retarded. While you're off administering a Linux system, the rest of us are kissing girls. So the tech support guys can be as snide as they want. The minute the clock strikes 5, we win. -- Bad News Hughes

The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.

A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.

Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...

A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.

Good source code is compileable documentation. -- Zero__Kelvin

standards, n.: The principles we use to reject other people's code.

bug, n: A son of a glitch.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?

People that hate Windows; run Linux. People that love Unix; run FreeBSD.

The most important early product on the way to developing a good product is an imperfect version.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil. -- D.E. Knuth

Computer modelers simulate it first.

Computer hackers do it all night long.

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

Drug Dealers:
  1. Refer to their clients as "users"
  2. "The first one's free!"
  3. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff)
  4. Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock,", "Dime bag,"
  5. Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
  6. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.
  7. Often seen in the company of pushers, pimps, and hustlers.
  8. Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
  9. Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
  1. Refer to their clients as "users"
  2. "Download a free trial version!"
  3. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug code)
  4. Strange jargon:"SCSI," "RTFM", "Java," "ISDN".
  5. Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
  6. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, faster, more potent machines.
  7. Often seen in the company of salesman, marketing people and venture capitalists.
  8. DOOM. Marathon. SimCity. Command&Conquor. 'Nuff said
  9. Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

People   ^top of page^

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Sped up my PC; ran it on 220v! Works gr347!

Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.

Modems/Networks   ^top of page^

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

28,800 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

Help! I'm modeming...and I can't hang up!!!

Peter Deutsch's 8 Fallacies of Distributed Computing:
  1. The network is reliable
  2. Latency is zero
  3. Bandwidth is infinite
  4. The network is secure
  5. Topology doesn't change
  6. There is one administrator
  7. Transport cost is zero
  8. The network is homogeneous

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