He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright. -- Samuel Butler

He was born with a silver foot in his mouth. -- Ann Richards

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong. -- Benjamin Disraeli

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Victor Borge

He was humane but not human. -- e e Cummings (about Ezra Pound)

He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met. -- William Faulkner

He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them. -- Charles Kingsley

He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin. -- Dorothy L. Sayers

He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. -- Molly Irvins

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes. -- Fred Allen

He was trying to save both his faces. -- John Gunther

He writes his plays for the ages--the ages between five and twelve. -- George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw)

He'd make a lovely corpse. -- Charles Dickens

He's a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices. -- Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote)

Her body has gone to her head. -- Barbara Stanwyck (about Marilyn Monroe)

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. -- Woody Allen

Her only flair is in her nostrils. -- Pauline Kael

Her skin was white as leprosy. -- S. T. Coleridge

Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed. -- Ralph Novak

His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. -- Howard Hughes ( about Clark Gable)

His face was filled with broken commandments. -- John Masefield

His features resembled a fossilized wash rag. -- Alan Brien

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. -- Mark Twain

His ignorance is encyclopedic. -- Abba Eban

His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it. -- F. H. Bradley

His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. -- Heywood Braun

His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap. -- Irving Stone (about William Jennings Bryan)

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. -- Mae West

His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin. -- John Philpot Curran

His style has the desperate jauntiness of an orchestra fiddling away for dear life on a sinking ship. -- Edmund Wilson (about Evelyn Waugh)

His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with. -- Charles Lamb

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. -- Woody Allen

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork. -- Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. -- Irvin S. Cobb

I am reading Henry James...and feel myself as one entombed in a block of smooth amber. -- Virginia Woolf

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. -- Steven Pearl

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. -- Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. -- Mark Twain

I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well. -- Joan Crawford

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot. -- Oscar Wilde

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. -- Stephen Bishop

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body. -- Walter Matthau

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. -- Clarence Darrow

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -- Fred Allen