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Insults VI

The youthful sparkle in his eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished. -- Sheila Graham (about Ronald Reagan)

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. -- Jack E. Leonard

There but for the grace of God, goes God. -- Winston Churchill

There goes the famous good time that was had by all. -- Bette Davis

They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway. -- Hunter S. Thompson

Thou lumpish earth-vexing fustilarian. -- William Shakespeare

Thou mammering half-faced measle. -- William Shakespeare

Timid? As timid as a buzzsaw. -- George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)

To err is Truman. -- A popular joke in 1946

To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar. -- John Mason Brown (about Dorothy Parker)

Useless as a pulled tooth. -- Mary Roberts Rinehart

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind. -- John Ehrlichman

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement. -- Fred Allen

What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You! -- from Murphy Brown

What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank. -- Liberace

When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes. -- Josh Billings

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price? -- David Letterman

While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either. -- James Thurber

While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser's; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you. -- Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend)

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? -- Milton Berle

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. -- P. G. Wodehouse

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? -- Groucho Marx

Why, this fellow don't know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday. -- Harry S Truman (about Dwight D. Eisenhower)

Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty. -- Lillian Hellman

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. -- Jim Samuels

You're a mouse studying to be a rat. -- Wilson Mizner

You're a parasite for sore eyes. -- Gregory Ratoff

You are so pure in mind and heart,
In aspect, too, so mild,
I wonder that you ever could
Implant your wife with child. -- Martial

You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation. -- Irvin S. Cobb

You had to stand in line to hate him. -- Hedda Hopper

You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you. -- Norm Papernick

You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. -- Aristophanes

You have delighted us long enough. -- Jane Austen

You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving. -- David Letterman

You really have to get to know him to dislike him. -- James T. Patterson (about Thomas Dewey)

You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin. -- Joe Orton

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. -- Groucho Marx

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time. -- Frederic Raphael

A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

Alone: In bad company

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

Q: How many jerks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb still and lets the world revolve around him.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.

He is always lost in thought - it's unfamiliar territory.

I'd like to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but now I see you are not worth it!

I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.

I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening

I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

The going got weird and he turned pro.

The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde

Q: People from the US - "WHERE do you get your politicians?"
A: Big corporations buy them at whorehouses and donate them to the public.

There's apparently a new book out called something like Maledicta devoted to the nasty things people in various cultures say about each other. My favorite, gleaned from a review of it: "A curse on you, and may the curse be that you remain what you are."

Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. -- Jonathan Swift

"Go to hell!" or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question rates. -- Robert A. Heinlein, Notebooks of Lazarus

You tweachewous miscweant! -- Elmer Fudd

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys! -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

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