• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

• His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity.

• This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

• This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be.

• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

• This employee should not be allowed to breed.

Misc. Quotes:

• Lunch and Learn Seminar: Who's controlling your life? (get your manager's permission before attending)
  -- The contents of a flyer for corporate seminar

• Resolved, by this council:
  1. That we build a new jail.
  2. That the new jail be built out of the materials of the old jail.
  3. That the old jail be used until the new jail is finished.
     -- Board of Councilmen, Mississippi, mid-1800s

Legal Questions (not work-related):

• Lawyer: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.
• Witness: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

• Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

• Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
• Other Lawyer: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

The law, 100's of millions of lines of code, not one line of which has ever been tested to see if it works. -- a programmer's attitude toward laws

Nevertheless, I advise you in the future to replace the words 'Crunchy Frog' with the legend 'Crunchy, Raw, Unboned, Real, Dead Frog' if you want to avoid prosecution. -- Monty Python