Insults to (never?) Use at Work
  1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

  3. How about never? Is never good for you?

  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

  6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

  10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

  23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

  24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

  25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

  26. And your crybaby whiny-ass opinion would be...?

  27. Do I look like a fucking people person?

  28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

  29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

  30. You!... Off my planet!

  31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

  32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

  33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

  34. Allow me to introduce my selves.

  35. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

  36. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

  37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

  38. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

  39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

  40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

  41. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

  42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

  43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

  44. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

  45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

  46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

  47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

  48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Concept, n.: Any idea for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.

Entreprenuer, n.: A high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.

Expert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.

Memo, n.: An interoffice communication too often written more for the benefit of the person who sends it than the person who receives it.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. -- James J. Ling

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it. -- Mary Little

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. -- John Lennon

It's no fun if you don't have to work at least a little bit.... -- Trevor Schadt

Is this an all day job? -- The Foreman

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. -- Mike Romanoff

All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority.
Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. -- James H. Boren

^top of page^ | Search | Site Map | UseWisdom